This is a random and certainly non-cohesive post about my random feelings.....enjoy :)
This weekend was crazy. On top of the regular stuff we had a program practice, Ainsley's recital, Trunk or Treat, the primary program, and John worked most of Saturday and even Sunday evening after church. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately. I think I'm just tired. With John being gone all of the time I think I just dread all that I know I have to accomplish on my own each week. How do single parents or people with husbands that always work tons do it!? I've been struggling trying to get everything done. Every week it's something else I dread doing alond, this week I'm dreading getting the yard all taken care of and ready for winter by myself. I'm more than a little anxious for his trial to end.
I've been negative about my calling lately too. I would say that being in the Primary presidency is a busy calling, but it's no where near as demanding as Young Women's or Relief Society. Which makes it even more pathetic that I'm such a whiner. But within the last 3 months the primary chorister and every member of the presidency except myself has had a baby. We have 4 newborns in our primary right now. Not to mention the other babies that are with some of our teachers. Needless to say my primary load has been more demanding lately as well. I can honestly say I've never been so close to asking for a release, maybe not a release but a change. In my opinion we do not currently have a functioning presidency. We are all just barely getting by. Everyone is trying, but some things are just out of our control. Every Sunday morning I secretly hope for a phone call saying our presidency has been released. It has yet to come.
That brings us to today's program. All in all it went fine. But for some reason I came away from the experience feeling sad. I sat by Owen during the program. I sat there embarrassed while he was naughty during the whole performance. It's hard having the naughty kid. I sat watching John wrestly Emmie in the chapel. She was just plain naughty as well. I also sat teary eyed as Ainsley stood to do her part and had the scratchiest/frog in throat voice I've ever heard. She's had a cold and sore throat but nothing serious enough to keep her home. She stood at the microphone and tried to start her part over and over and she just couldn't clear her throat. The poor girl had to say the entire 4th article of faith in a crazy voice. She's a trooper though. She finished proudly and didn't seem to let it bother her much. She even got a sweet anonymous note from someone in the ward telling her she did a good job. And for some reason it made me sad and teary.
And then on top of that, the primary program and watching the kids sing just fills my heart and makes me cry. But this year it was bitter sweet. Maybe because my attitude about primary for months has been far from stellar. Maybe because I feel like my load at home and at church is more than I want to bear right now. I honestly wish I was one of those people that just went about working and never complained. Unfortunately, I guess I'm a natural born complainer. I need to find a way to re-light the fire. To be excited about the fact that I get to turn every gospel principle into a game. To be happy when I pick my kids up from school and look forward to my evening with them instead of dreading the long hours that I know are ahead of me. I want to be one of those people that are just naturally positive and happy about life. Maybe this should be a goal of mine. Because honestly, right now I feel like I'm doing a poor job in all areas of my life, instead of making the best of it and enjoying the ride.
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3 comments:
Oh, Jess, I totally feel your pain. E is now working his regular 40-50 hour/week job, teaching 4 classes as an Adjunct professor at UVU, and doing lots of freelance. He serves in the Elders Quorum Pres. and I serve in YW's. For the record I think primary presidency is lots more demanding then RS - maybe not the Pres? But primary is lots of work. YW's is - well, its insane. So, I have a lot of the same thoughts as you. Hubby gone all. the. time. being the main one. When it is getting rough I just try to remember how Christ treated the children and how the most important thing He would have me do is raise my children in a happy home. Somehow this seems to help me. Well, that and lots of ice cream.
Hang in there - we are all in this together. You are doing the most important work there is.
I really don't think women like that exist. The kind that don't complain and are always positive. I just think they are sneakier about complaining. I liked this post. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who dreads those after school evening hours. I have the naughty kid in primary too - it really is zero fun.
I don't have the naughty kid in primary, but I do have the one that always cries. :)
It's so hard when husbands work so much. And the days he's gone all day are the same days that Ash won't stop crying and Cohen won't stop destroying things. Eric has been working crazy hours all week and on Saturdays. I just keep telling myself that a month ago, he was unemployed, so I'm grateful that he's working.
And, if it makes you feel any better, I was completely miserable during our primary program yesterday. I had to sit next to two boys in my class, who are the worst behaved kids in the history of children. If you spent five minutes with this one kid, you would be on your knees thanking Heavenly Father that Owen was your child instead of this kid. I seriously yelled at them the entire time and it didn't phase them at all. And I was about three seconds away from passing out the whole time because one of the boys kept taking his shoes off and I've never smelled anything like his feet in my life.
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