May I Vent

Today I reached my breaking point, unfortunately it happened in public.

To preface my story let me begin by saying...

I still feel awful. I try to put on a happy face most of the time, but the bottom line is, I just want to feel normal again. I have little patience for being forced to slow down and feeling like I have to puke all the time. My house is a disaster most of the time, I never cook dinner, I usually have a sink full of smelly dishes. My to do list seems to be getting infinitely larger and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sick of throwing up and then having to sleep on the couch because I can't lay down. I'm sick of having nothing to wear. I'm just starting to get worn down. I seriously don't know how women handle feeling this awful during their entire pregnancy. I don't think I could do it. That must mean I'm weak. John does his best to help, but there's only so much that he can cram into the few hours that he's home every night.

As for reaching my breaking point...

I had a rough night last night and a rough morning. I just wasn't feeling well. And I'm in charge of a gardening class for our ward tonight. I'm a little stressed out about feeling well enough to get through it and having everything ready to go.

I never go to the grocery store anymore (the thought of it makes me gag), but we are out of food and I had a few coupons I wanted to use this week and needed to get a few things for Easter. I decided to make a quick trip to the store with both kids after I picked up Ains from preschool. Owen started our trip a little feisty because I wouldn't let him stand on the side of the cart because it was tipping over. I made him get in the back of the cart so that he wouldn't run away. We reached our first item. Strawberries. I started digging trying to pick out a good package when out of the corner of my eye I see Owen reaching over the side of the cart to grab a container and the cart sliding the opposite direction. I grabbed for him and dropped the 4 pound package (it couldn't have been the small package) of strawberries in my hand. Strawberries went everywhere and Owen freaked out. I then tried to force Owen to sit so that he wouldn't fall again. During the course of our struggle and my lecture on not standing in the cart, Owen bumps his head on a cup holder. He's down right mad at me at this point. People are staring at me. I apologize for bumping his head but continue my lecture on the importance of sitting in the cart. Owen is not appreciating my reasoning and I get frustrated, cram him in the front of the cart, and buckle him in....he hates being strapped in. But I thought this might give me some leverage, you know, "I'll unbuckle you if you will stay seated." No such luck.

I press forward because we only need a few things. I thought I could tolerate the tantrum. I got more frustrated though when I was picking up strawberries and a worker passed us without even offering to help. You wouldn't believe the looks I was getting. We head further into the store, I'm trying to get our groceries and calm Owen and still getting scornful looks...mostly from older women I might add. After about 10 minutes of this I stop the cart and try again to reason with Owen. He agrees to sit if I'll unbuckle him! He lied....he had no intention of sitting. I give him the option of sitting in the back of the cart and holding the Easter eggs. No, he insists on sitting on the side of the cart. Not dangerous at all.

At this point I just can't take it anymore. I abandon my cart, grab screaming Owen and try to get out of the store. Tears are welling up in my eyes at this point. I run into a woman I know that works there, apologize for the entire store having to listen to my child scream, and tell her I left my cart and asked her to put the items away for me. I think I would have done better had I not run into someone I knew. For some reason that made it worse. I was trying to not full on cry as we were leaving. Owen was still screaming, Ainsley was asking how we were going to get Easter eggs now, and I just wanted to hide.

I was angry at the whole situation. It's hard enough for me to go to the store as it is. I was mad that Owen made it that much worse for me. I was mad that instead of anyone trying to help me people just stared. (Let that be a lesson to me...always help.) I shoved him in his car seat as he continued to struggle and then I locked him in his room when we got home. I went to my room to cry. I'm sure I'm a little more emotional than usual, but I really want this to be over. I try to remember that in the grand scheme of things my time feeling this way is not long at all and in the end it's totally worth it. But right now I'm spent. I just want to feel normal again.