It seems like everyday I have a battle going on in my head. A battle with food. It's getting old. I believe the battle started when I was in 5th grade and I broke100 pounds. It was then that I realized I was overweight. I knew that I needed to be aware of what I ate, but food was my comfort. I liked food. I didn't want to give it up. And so the battle raged on, and I was losing. I continued to gain weight all through junior high and high school. I tried random diets, played sports, etc., but the weight never came off. I ate to much food for that to happen.
Then I went to college. I think it was at this point that I began to be the winner of the battle and not so down trodden. I was active, happy (for the most part :) and for the first time in my life food didn't control me. I remember my grandma telling me once that whenever I let go of whatever it was I was holding on to, the weight would come off. I guess college did that for me. I went to college on my own. Moved into an apartment with complete strangers and somehow found myself. I broke out of my shell, found self confidence, and sure enough the weight began to come off. Not because I was dieting and trying to lose weight, but because food lost it's control over me. I wasn't consumed with thoughts of what I should eat, how much I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, how much I wanted to eat what I shouldn't eat. I ate when I was hungry, I listened to my body, and I ate treats without feeling regret. Things were going great...I thought.
Time went on, I got married and wasn't so active anymore. I probably gained a few pounds, but nothing significant. I still wasn't overweight. But it was at this point that the scale began to control me. I have a deep and real fear that someday I will be overweight again and I let that fear drive me. I now focus entirely too much on the food that should and should not go in my mouth and what the scale tells me instead of how I feel. I'm back on the losing side of the battle.
What intrigues me is that I weigh the same, if not a bit less than I did when I got married. I don't remember feeling fat when I got married. (Although I do remember wishing my thighs were thinner.) So why is it that I am so concerned with what the scale is telling me now. Although I look in the mirror and don't feel fat, I'm a perfectly healthy weight for my height (I'm not a stick by any means, but I never thought that was very attractive, curves are okay with me.) but I get on the scale and I have a yearning to be 10 pounds lighter. Why? Maybe it's because I have never been that thin before. Maybe that would mean reaching the unattainable goal. Maybe that would guarantee me that I would never revert to my "fat" days. I'm not sure why, but the battle is still real and raging in my head.
My goal is to end the battle. I want to get back to the time in my life when I listened to my body. When I let go of my obsession with food and weight and somehow managed to maintain a healthy lifestyle without really thinking about it. I don't want to start my day planning how much and what I will allow myself to eat that day. I'm not sure what it is I'm holding on to, but I need to find a way to let it go again.
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4 years ago
11 comments:
wow you are so brave to share with us. you are so beautiful both on the inside and outside. i think it is just satans way of getting to you. he knows that works and doesn't want to let you win. he is the one that puts those thoughts into your head. when you hear him ignore if you can, if you can't yell at him.. that is what i do sometimes. tell yourself out loud even that you are beautiful and he is not going to get to you.
I think most women will relate to your post, I too have become obsessed with what I put in my mouth. This weight loss competition I am doing with my family and John has been great, but I often wonder why I am still dieting when I am well under my goal. I too love the idea of reaching a weight I have never before entered. . . but at what cost? I was practically anorexic the year I got married!! I am very close to that weight now and yet I still look in the mirror unhappy with certain areas!! If it makes you feel any better, you and Mel were my inspirations last year. I saw how dedicated you both were to eating right and excercising and I wanted to try it. I lost 20 lbs by following your example. I guess as young mothers we are bound to go up and down. I hope the older I get, now that I'm done having children, the easier it will be to stay in shape and feel great. Jess, you look fabulous!! I'm sorry to say that in this century as we see every movie/rock star weighing 100 lbs or less we will probably always be obsessed, and feel guilty when we allow ourselves to eat at Krispy Kreme once in a while.
The battle is so awful. My story is kind of the opposite. I never broke 100 pounds until after 17. Then I had my first baby, and second, and third. . . and the weight just won't come off. I exercise 6 times a week and yet somehow I manage to gain 2 pounds every month. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, excepting pregnancy, and it's so hard when I'm working harder than ever. I don't know how to cope with it because I've never been heavy. I could fit into size 0 my junior year in high school and now I find myself wearing and XL in some sizes. There's no way I could even get the sleeve of my wedding dress on.
It's a hard lesson to balance working hard and taking care of our bodies, and somehow learning to love ourselves the way we are. I wish I could boast of some super great advice but I'm fighting along with you.
P.S. I think you look fabulous and would kill to be even close to my early marriage size.
as everyone else said we can all relate :) in some sort of backwards way or another. you truly look better than ever I think and I hope you can win the mental battle and just be healthy and happy. My patriarchal blessing specifically tells me to live the word of wisdom and i will be blessed, so i think if we can all get back to that we will be so much more healthy, and happy. still working on it on this end as well :) I think if I just tried to be positive and run around with my kids at their speed I would be so skinny . . . and exhausted but having fun at the same time :) Then I could eat pb&j for every meal too and it would be ok :)
Jessica,
What an honest post. I think just saying (writing) it out loud will help.
I can't go to the gym for six weeks because of my surgery and I am so scared of what is going to happen. So, what do I do? Eat ice cream every night before bed. What?!?!?!? Makes no sense.
Hang in there. Ask John for a blessing. Seriously. And know you are not alone.
I agree with everyone else too. I have and am still going through it too! I always try to figure out what I am holding on to also. I lost weight in college too and then got married and it all went down hill! Another thing I think about is that I am the one who is in control over what everybody eats in our house... I do the shopping the cooking, planning etc, and want to please everyone... so I am obsessed with food in that way too. If it means anything I think you look great!
First of all, you are awesome. Second, you look amazing. It's hard for women, the whole weight and food thing can really affect our lives negatively.
I know that you understand and have the knowledge of how to control your weight, but like you said it is a mental battle right now. Do some deep soul searching, get a blessing, pray about it, and you will find what's bogging you down. A couple of months back I was going through a period where I thought that I wasn't doing enough as a mother and a wife. I thought that I should be doing more, more, more. There were so many other talented mothers and women out there than what I was. Then, I realized who I was and the talents that the Lord blessed me with and I knew I was doing what I could do. And do you know what, I lost those remaining 5 lbs and I am happy with my body and myself.
Don't worry, you'll figure it out. Just let it go and those thoughts will disappear.
Jess, I can relate to everything you're saying! Even though I am happy with how much I weigh right now, I feel this crazy anxiety that if I let my food guard down even for a few minutes, I'll go back to being overweight again. I would love to, like you say, just listen to my body... but it's almost as if I don't trust my body to tell me what's right, and unless I am completely regimented about what goes into my mouth, I'll start to gain weight again. It is a battle!
Jess, I love your post! I was thinking about my own weight experience and realized I was opposite of yours. I was a good weight until I went to college and then I fought it up until I got married. Apparently marriage did something to me because I lost weight and didn't think much about what I was eating and what I was eating. Now a days I realize that my body is 7 years different from that time and holds on to the junk food. The main thing that keeps me feeling healthy, even if I am not my "ideal" weight is exercising. It is more important to have a healthy heart and good muscles that to be your perfect weight. I believe it is an every day battle that most women have to deal with, but it is something we can fight! :)
I think you are incredible! Weight for women is a big issue. I find that as I get older, I have to watch more what I eat. And I am so lazy to go to the gym....which irritates me because I pay $30 a month for it and I NEVER use it. The other morning, I got up before my kids did, and I did my video of pilates.....totally thought of you!!! I missed living right by you and working out together. Hang in there. I know you feel like you need to be 10 lbs lighter but when I saw you in Nov.....you looked REALLY good. :) Let's talk soon.....because I MISS YOU!!!
I remember our freshmen year and your pants being sooo baggy on you because the weight had just flown off. It made me smile to read about it. This is such a good post. When I was nursing Austin I couldn't have dairy, which took out all the good stuff and I was the thinnest I've ever been in my adult life. I loved it, but I knew as soon as the nursing was done and the dairy was back the weight would come back too - and it did and I am once again at my comfortable cruising weight, but now everything feels tight. I've found myself thinking about trying to get back to where I was... but then I realize that it didn't make me a different person, I wasn't any more or less happy, and if being that size means constantly worrying about what I eat and whether I worked out or not - I'd rather be where I am, eat what I want and be happy. I still think about it, but I try not to obsess. From all your pics you look so good! I think you're smokin'!!!! I hope you find what you're looking for.
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