The most traumatizing moment of my life, so far...

To add to our crazy flood week, I went ahead and solidified my claim on worst mother of the year award. Seriously, I still feel sick about the accident we had yesterday. Due to our flood we had carpet pulled up and fans blowing constantly for 2 1/2 days. Ains has been sick since Saturday, and so we were once again trapped indoors in less than favorable conditions. Tuesday afternoon was a beautiful day, so I dragged Ains out to the little meighborhood park so we could all get some fresh air and a break from the fans.

Ains sat on the bench with me most of the time and was asking to go home to get water. I kept putting her off because I almost couldn't bear the thought of walking into the chaos again. Meanwhile, I had been holding Emmie on my lap, and when some wind came up I put her back in her carrier without buckling her up and propped up blankets around her to protect her from the breeze.

When Ains finally convinced me to go home, I picked up Emmie's carrier, and felt that it was off balance, and was then horrified as I saw emmie tumble on her face onto the cement. I was completely shocked and horrified at myself. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten she wasn't buckled in. Luckily a nurse had just brought her kids to the park. She immediately came over and inspected Emmie. Emmie was screaming like she's never screamed before. I couldn't console her. She had scrapes on her chin but no apparent other damage.

I kept it together for about 20 minutes, while I tried to calm her at the park. When I finally got in the car to go home I lost it. I cried and cried. I called the doctor as soon as we got home and they told me what to look for for head injuries. I cried and called John. I still feel sick about it and can't get the image of Emmie's little body face down on the pavement.

Miraculously, she has been fine. The doctor was sure she would be based on the descriptions I gave her over the phone. We watched her closely all last night. I wouldn't even let John hold her for 2 hours after he got home. I can tell that her chin took the brunt of the fall. It hurts her to eat, which kills me. But she's already doing much better today than she was last night.

To make matters worse, when we got home from the park, I informed that kids that they were on their own. I was on the phone and consoling Emmie and crying in my room. A while after John got home he noticed that Ains felt a little warm. He took her temperature and she was at 102.

Guilt. Again.

All because I was selfish and wanted to get outside, and away from some fans.

I'm just grateful that everything is okay. I just couldn't handle it if they weren't.